Culture Shock-a-roonie!

My friend, Matt Stillwell, was playing a show in NC this week, and since the times he plays nearby are few and far between, ya have to take advantage of the opportunity when it arises. So my girl, Dianna, and I decide to jump in the car on a Saturday night and head to Union Grove, NC. (Where? yeah, really) It's about 45 mins west & south of Winston-Salem, just off I-77. We find out that Matt's playing an "outdoor festival" with 2 other bands, so we think, live music...cold beer...parking lot party...how bad can it be? We came out with too many stories not to share!!

It starts with getting off the exit and looking for the bar - we pass a truck-stop with a lot of cars and people milling around..."wonder what's going on over there?" "OH! That's the bar!!" At the gate, we tell the woman we are on Matt's guestlist - 3 people standing there say "oh, you're the one!" Uh, the one what?? Anyway, there's nothing really happening in the parking lot yet, so we head inside. Obviously they are not used to strangers in them there parts, cuz every head turned to look at us. We sit at the bar and Dianna sees a case of drinks behind the bar called "Johnny Bootlegger" she says "WTF" and decides to try one - it's a glowing green apple concoction that is 12% alcohol (not exactly sure what the other 88% was - quite possibly apple-flavored antifreeze). During this time at the bar, she also meets a guy from one of the other bands who really wanted to be her "friend" even though she was clear that she had a boyfriend (he was going for the "with benefits", but she was having none of that).

Then a woman comes up behind Dianna and asks if she is married. When Dianna turns with a shocked look on her face (she snuck up behind, for goodness sakes) the woman says, "oh, I ain't no pu**y-licker, my friend just likes you and is too scared to talk to you" Um, why do some women feel the need to qualify that?? We didn't have a fragment of thought that you were a PL until you said it like that! Her cowardly buddy was wearing a shirt that said "genius" - I believe he thought it was opposite day.

The guys finally show up, and we hear a story about one of the girls who works there - apparently the night before a fight broke out and she went after 2 guys and a girl with a 4x8. In most places I'm familar with, that would be grounds for arrest, or at the very least, suspension from your job. Not at Double D's in Union Grove! I think they are waiting on the plaque to be engraved in her honor. I just spent the evening making sure I did nothing to piss her off.

While the band is getting ready, Dianna and I make a new friend, Connie. She asks if we are with the band and we say yes, they are our friends. She says, "I like that Beer in the Cooler song they do" I told her it was called "Shine". We proceeded to have this same conversation at least 3 more times that night.

Outside, the band is starting up, and the fun people-watching is just beginning! We head out and hang off to the side - it wasn't really crowded unfortunately, b/c it was kinda cold. Connie is up front dancing by herself and waves us over, but we decide to continue enjoying the band from our spot. Numerous times thru the night she attempts and fails this same venture, and we felt like the bad friends who leave their crazy buddy dancing up front while they ignore her. Except we'd never met her before in our lives. And in between this she keeps pointing at me and pointing at Matt, like she's trying to hook us up or something. Thanks Connie! I think we got this!

There were the "Ambush Solid Gold Dancers" who would come up onstage from behind Matt (obviously he never knew they were coming) and start the bump and grind. That made for many fun surprised facial expressions (and more than one "whoa!") Our favorite was Debbie...she of the 1980's pegged jeans & Harley sweatshirt, plus bleach blonde hairdo with bangs all-the-way-back-to-there. She had to be removed from the stage. Security!

There was "Mr. High and Tight", with his jeans pulled up too high and at least a size or 5 too small. He was quite the ladies' man on the dancefloor/gravel parking lot...

And our favorite, the older woman (50's? 60's? HARD 40's? who knows...) with the black hair half-pulled up in a white scrunchie. We noticed her cuz she was doing that older-redneck woman dance...you know the one - dancing to every song she's never heard and not even close to the beat. But halfway thru it got even better...she took off her long jacket, and she had very obviously peed her pants! There's no denying those long half-ovals on either side of the inside of her thighs, front and back. And she never stopped dancing.

The night wrapped up inside as we hung with the guys and ate pizza, swapped stories, laughed hysterically at "midget hands" (sorry but it's funny!) and took pictures next to the man sleeping soundly at the bar. What a night!

Thanks to Double D's, our BEST friend Connie, Debbie of the rad bangs, the ambush solid gold dancers, the pee-pee dancing woman, Genius & his matchmaker, Mr. High & tight, the gossip girls, the "friendwithbenefits" guy, Miss 4x8, and of course Dianna, Matt & the boys. You just can't make this stuff up...